It is easy for me to write an article about my Mom. She’s awesome. Just for your information, that’s the typical way to write a Mother’s Day article. It’s sweet, brings a tear to my Mama’s eye, and it would make you all think I’m a great daughter.
What’s harder to write about are my fears going into this Mother’s Day.
I’m single and I turn 30 in July. And for the first time in my life, I’m scared that I won’t be a good mom. I’m scared that my energy level is going down and I’m worried that all the stats that the doctors say about the pregnancy challenges in older women will be true for me.
Hilariously, I worry less about getting married than I do about having babies. For the first time, my heart races at the idea that I won’t ever be someone’s mama.
And this year, the same Mother’s Day that has my mind spinning with worry, my own mother suffers through her own pain.
I lost my grandmother in August. So this is the first year that she hasn’t been around for Mother’s Day. I’m worried about how to love my mom well through this loss. I’m not good at taking care of her; she’s the one who takes care of me. So how do I step into this with her and walk that road?
I can think of many people who have deeper and more profound worries this year: moms with cancer, moms who don’t survive car accidents, moms who leave, moms who don’t love well.
And I know all of that is real.
But I also know that my best friends are all chasing toddlers around. And while I’m grateful for my life (I really am), there’s this new thing this year. It’s a new sting — a new worry – that this holiday may not be for me. Ever.
And on top of that, I have to take a break from complete selfishness and be intentional with my love for my mom.
It’s gotten me thinking about what God says about my story.
It’s left me wondering, what is His take on me as I try to balance selfish heartbreak with selfless love?
I don’t know. I’ve never been here before. But I think it’s about taking my mind off of what Mother’s Day means to me and focusing on what Mother’s Day means to my mother…her daughters, her legacy, celebrating her and loving her well, reminding her that the things we loved about my grandmother are many of the same characteristics we love in her.
So I will love my mom with a daughter’s heart, and ask God what to do with this mother’s heart that I feel growing within me. Mother’s Day is not made for heartache, but celebration. So we will celebrate.
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Annie Downs is a freelance writer in Nashville, Tennessee. Someday when her kids are making her crazy, remind her of this article. Read more at annieblogs.com.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Hello Annie,
I just want to let you know that when you have children the energy comes from somewhere. I had my first child at 17 and vowed I would never have anymore children. Then I met a man who loved me and my son very much but also had a the same passion for God as me. This was 17 years later of course. He had no children so we discussed having a baby. When we had this discussion we planned on waiting at least a year after we where married to try and start having a baby. Well God had other plans I got pregnant just a little over a month after we were married. In fact my husband made me take four pregnancy test just to be sure because I went to see a doctor on Friday and didn’t get the result’s till Monday which was also Christmas Eve. I turned 36 just after Gabriella was born and will be 38 this year. My daughter is full of energy, but for the most part I think I can keep up with her. I feel that God provides me with everything to deal with her. Don’t get me wrong I have days where I would like to collapse on the sofa, but I wouldn’t change a thing because she is the light in my life. So don’t worry about being more tired because our wondeful Lord and Savior provide you with all the strength and energy we need to keep up with these head strong children that they have entrusted us to take care of. Have a great week and God Bless you!!!
I understand this fear…Strangely enough I’m married so you would think this wouldn’t be a fear. But I’m separated, after finding out that my husband had an affair, and the horrible truth is that I don’t see us working it out. We briefly got back together only to find out it happened again and I don’t think the relationship has ended, so more or less I believe our marriage now is a technicality. And my fear is that I’ll be single again and never have the husband and the children, the family I thought I was once promised. That thought breaks my heart. I thought when I got married that that was forever and I would have never dreamed that my husband would have made the decisions that he has, it’s completely out of character for him. I don’t know who he is anymore. I’m afraid of losing my dreams and wonder why I had them if it wasn’t ment to be. But I remind myself that God has a plan for me and it’s probably better than I could have imagined. I keep praying that I can keep my dreams of one day having a family.
With Love,
Bethany
Hey sweet daughter of God………….please be encouraged, God does have a plan for you.. perfect and beautiful. You probaly are standing a little to close to the mosaic that he is weaving of your life, and can’t see it clearly yet….
I was single and waited until God brought the perfect man for me, At 36, I was married. I had my 3 precious girls by the time I was 41. Life was good.. than the LORD took my Chris to be home with him. Today my girls are 14, 17, and 19.. I have raise them by myself and haven’t dated again………..Would I do it over, YES in a pinch.. It is all about allowing God to work the details out… He is there, and he cares so deeply… I am still learning the art of surrendering all to my LORD. and it is so sweet when I take my hands out of the mix… and allow him control… Be blessed, and enjoy your precious mother…….kathy
Though, I am still only 23. I too wonder if I will every be a mom. Will I ever make enough money in a year (both my husband and I) to afford a home, or even a baby??? I just have to place hope in God that He has great plans for me. And trust him with my life. And this Mother’s Day will be so hard for my husband…since shortly after is the anniversary of his Mother’s death last year. So I will need the strength to celebrate my mother as well as help him heal his heart. We have to remember it is a day of celebration. Thank you for the reminder, Annie!
great post
I, too, can’t wait for the day that I’m a mom. I’m almost 25 and, if I had my choice in the matter, would already be married and have children by now. But, I’m slowly learning that God has different plans for me at this time. I also have a great confidence that He has placed this desire within me for a definite reason and that He will fufill it, but within His time.
I have also lost my maternal grandmother this past year as well, and can’t help but wonder how my mom will handle it. Granny was a big part of our Mother’s Day traditions for the past few years, as we went to go visit her in her nursing home and spent significant time there on that day. But after losing two grandparents within a year, I’ve come to realize that you still celebrate their life and what they’ve given you on those important days. Even though they aren’t with us physically, we do carry a piece of them with us forever and THAT is what you celebrate.
I just wanted you to know I understand your fears. My husband and I have been trying to have a baby for 4 years and have miscarried twice. I am 31, he is 38 and I worry all the time about never being a mother. But I also remember that God gives us these desires for a reason. I do not believe our awesome, loving and MERCIFUL God gives us these strong desires just to dangle them in front of our faces and say, “don’t you wish you could have this…haha, too bad, I’m not going to give it to you!”
Keep the faith and rest on Jeremiah 29:11.
Lovely and heartfelt Annie. Been very close to where you are but cannot truly say that I understand your struggle, since I am not standing in your shoes.
I’m a stepmom who longs to just be a mom. Mother’s Day is bittersweet and while it is an important holiday and one that I should focus on giving back to my mom, I often find myself focusing on the sting in my own heart.
I will pray that you will feel full of grace on Mother’s Day and will not feel the sting of loneliness or want.
Dear ladies, thank you for your encouragement and it is wonderful to hear how many of you can relate to this! I am praying for each of you today.
Just wanted to share this blog post I read the other day. http://www.incourage.me/2010/05/eves-daughters.html
Good for all the ladies out there questioning their role this time of year.
My mom told me this week that Mother’s Day is the hardest holiday now that my grandmother is not here. She said she doesn’t want to celebrate it at all. Just treat it like another day. It makes me sad, but I want to honor my mama. So I’m going to treat it like any other day for her sake. And then I’m going to try to treat everyday like Mother’s Day.
We were married 8 years before having our first child. Four years of infertility. I remember crying through every Mother’s Day with my mama holding me close. The last baby was born after our 21st anniversary. I was 38 years old. Let me tell you a little secret. Children make you young. Trust me.
Finally on this Mother’s Day my heart is breaking for this dear family who is suffering so much right now. They are relatives of friends. I know they would appreciate prayer right now.
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=121899827822124
Wow! What a beautiful tribute to your mother and grandmother? It sounds like 3 generations of virtuous women.
Annie,
Thank you so much for this post. When other single women write honestly about the fears and struggles of being single, it is such an encouragement to me. It lets me know that I’m not alone.
Thank you!
I had a baby at 25 and a baby at 37. It was not easier. There was way more energy at 25 than 37, trust me. But the level of love is the same. That does not diminish with age. I wouldn’t change a thing.
I honestly can’t wait to look back on this how ever many years from now and see where you are and where you were and what God has done in between. We may laugh about a few things, cringe a bit and shake our heads and say “of course, God, you had it all planned out perfect”
Annie, you have so much to give right now, right here where God has you and I am thinking it would be so much harder with spit up on your blouse, poop under your nails and a 30 lb diaper bag flung across your shoulder. There is PLENTY of time for that.
Oh Annie. I just wrote about the sting for me yesterday on my blog, and I STILL think that maybe I should delete it. I cried while writing, and cried while reading the comments, and will cry more I’m sure. It is a HARD day for some, a day that i’d honestly rather just sleep through. I pray for peace and joy for you and for me, and for all of the other Annies and Mandies that are hurting and sad and having a hard time trusting.
Love!!!
Thank you! I am also single and in my early 30′s and have the same fear about never becoming a mother. I am an awesome aunt, loving cousin, babysitter to the best and loved by kids in different areas of my life (family, church, classroom, neighbors, etc), but that doesn’t mean I don’t want my own. I am working daily to remind myself that it is all in God’s hands and in HIS time…not mine!
I will celebrate with you as I honor my Mama, Mawmaw and all the precious women in my life. Thank you for the reminder!
Ahh, Annie, You speak my language. A bunch of my friends just had babies, and although I love them and their babies more than words can express, my heart cries out, “Will this ever happen for me?” It didn’t bother me as much to be the last one married as it does to be the last mother. I’ve wanted to be a mother since I was a little girl. I’m 28, and there’s no prospects in sight. My heart breaks, but there are people to celebrate- my amazing grandmother and mother, my wonderful SIL who is a new mother, and a gaggle of friends experiencing motherhood for the first time. Though I want to wallow in my own selfish despair, my goal is to celebrate their joys and blessings. (God help me to succeed!!!)
Thanks for writing this- it’s good to know we’re not alone.
What a lovely article, Annie. I, too, am wondering what God will do with my motherly desires. I’m 34, single, and completely unsure of this life that I’m living. I definitely expected something different at this phase in the game. And trust is difficult for me, although I realize it’s all I got! God’s plan trumps everything and what a blessing that is the case.
Also, my mom and I have been arguing in recent weeks. Your article reminds me that nothing is more sacred than our treasured relationships on earth. Time is short, and we should learn to love each other well, whatever the cost. Thank you for a great article and a poignant reminder of what is important. And thanks for sharing your heart.
Hey Annie-
Yep, me too. I’m 30, single, and a nurse with those worries at least 5 times a week
I lean on Psalm 18:30,32: “The way of the Lord is perfect…. He makes my way perfect.” All of this- my own life that I simply can’t compare to another’s- is His perfect way. That Word seems to be the only thing that silences the worries for me 
Be blessed, Annie. I know you’d be a great momma, so I’m praying for you! Meanwhile, you have blessed us single folks tons just by your writing showing us a fun and worthwhile life for the Lord right where you are- in the singleness. Helps me feel a little more cool every day when I read your blog and see someone else busy trying to live it out each day 
Blessings! ~Beth
Annie, I just wanted to let you know that although you may not be a mother to someone you gave birth to, you may already be a mother to someone and not know it. We call them “other” mothers. Those special women in your life that somehow had a hand in molding you to become the woman you are today. I’m sure if you think hard you have some as well, so be encouraged this Mother’s Day because it might already be for you. Happy Mother’s Day!
Annie I love how you share your heart-so real, vulnerable and FUN! I can picture sitting with you on my green checkered couch (some day I hope to make it a prop for my speaking events) talking, laughing, sharing what God is teaching us. He is using you in a great way. I’ve read a few of your posts and the whole time I’m thinking how He delights in His Annie girl! (Did you know that Zephaniah 3:17 in the Greek actually describes God as spinning around you with pure delight!?) Oh for me it’s taking each day to trust Him with what He’s given me. I mean if I say I trust God and then go on worrying about my future than am I really trusting God? Keep on keeping on dear girl. He has gifted you with a lot to share and He’s sure proud of His Annie girl!
Annie,
Though I’m married, my husband and I have been trying for over a year to have a baby, and it just hasn’t happened yet. I’ll be praying for you, girl!
I began wondering this morning if I should publish a similar post about mothers day. Thanks to your courage and honesty, I just might
Hi Annie,
Just wanted to send you a note of encouragement. A dear high school friend of mine hadn’t found the right man to marry, so in her early 40′s began the process of adopting an orphan from Russia. In her mid-40′s, she traveled to Russia to pick up a beautiful blonde girl toddler, whom she loved with all of her heart. Now comes the surprise: within a year she met a man who fell in love with her, AND her adopted daughter. They have since married, & are in the process of adopting another child. Although it may seem a bit backwards, God did provide a family for my friend to love, even if it seems a bit late in life. God is Good! I will pray for you too!
Thank you, Annie, for such a raw and honest sharing of emotions that many of us have experienced at one time. I married my college sweetheart at 19. After college, careers took center stage, and before we knew it we were in our 30s. Then in 2003, at the age of 34, I was diagnosed with breast cancer – in both breasts. In December of that year, two days before my 35th birthday, I had bilateral mastectomies. Today, I am 41 and a stay-at-home-mom to two beautiful little boys – born when I was 36 and 39. God truly does work in wonderfully mysterious ways. I pray that the desire of your heart will be fulfilled. Oh, and don’t worry…the energy DOES come from somewhere! May God bless you.
I’m 38 and just got married (for the first time) last year. I honestly never thought I would….and now, because of my age, we are trying for babies. It’s been 10 months of trying with no success. I remember when I turned 30 and feeling this complete panic that I would be in this exact spot where I find myself right now.
Here’s what I know to be true: I am grateful for the man I married and our life together. I am grateful that even if I never conceive, that I was given this opportunity to try.
And when all the ache of an empty womb comes rushing at me, I trust what He has. That even this…even this is good. That He could not love me more.
It doesn’t always ease the ache, but it’s good to hold on to truth…even if it’s just barely.