Unfortunately, I grew up thinking that if I had worth, it had to do with how I looked. I wish that weren’t the case, but I believed this deep inside. I wasn’t a cute kid, hardly one you’d look at and say, “Wow, she’s striking.” I was homely, needy, and thin. I had dark circles under my eyes. (Vestiges of that still clings to me today, so I use concealer). Besides that, I was a fatherless girl, insatiably needy for male attention. I wanted to be noticed, and often felt overlooked.
Regardless of how I felt, sometime around puberty, attention came. That astounds me now, as I was gangly and terribly awkward. And I started that dance of fear, of longing for a daddy and looking for him on the face of boys my age. All I really wanted was for someone to hug me and say, “Everything will be okay.” I did not want to be kissed. Or looked at. Just held. Still, I worked hard at making sure my exterior attracted attention while a little bit of my soul died inside.
And yet, I searched for attention. Relished it. As I grew into myself in late high school and college, boys continued to notice. I spent time primping and flirting. I longed for a look, a tinge of interest. Anything that validated my worth or hinted at beauty.
Unfortunately, I was so damaged back then, I couldn’t receive genuine love – what I was actually looking for. Instead, I relied on my looks to conjure up “love,” yet I couldn’t allow any man access to my heart, so terrified I was to be known, and then hurt. Slowly, painfully, I began to grow into myself. I learned how to let go of that need to be seen, though it still haunts me.
Today I am loved deeply by a man who is handsome and amazing and smart and deep and spiritual. I revel in that. And yet, I still mourn losing my looks as I age. How uncanny is that? I should be embracing the wisdom that comes with age, the beauty of growing a more beautiful soul (thanks to Jesus’ interaction with my life). But I think there’s still that little girl inside me, equating my worth with how I look. And as I get older, I’m afraid.
Will I be loved? Will I have worth?
I have an assignment for you. Sometime today look yourself in the mirror. Don’t cringe or criticize. Instead, say a simple Thank You. Because, truly, you’re a beautiful creation, fashioned in love by God. Then ask God to create irresistible beauty inside, where it counts. In this moment, right now, you have a beautiful soul. Rest in that. Rejoice in that.
Resources…
Thin Places: A Memoir by Mary DeMuth
“What you’re after is truth from the inside out. Enter me, then; conceive a new, true life.” Psalm 51:6 MSG
“Charm can mislead and beauty soon fades. The woman to be admired and praised is the woman who lives in the Fear-of-GOD.” Proverbs 31:30 MSG
Something Else…
A photoshop makeover can make anyone look good. Check out the video, you might be amazed.
Mary DeMuth is a woman who is training (one agonizing mile at a time) for a sprint triathlon. She speaks and writes about turning trials into triumph. Author of nine books, she’s written candidly about image and her own struggles with insecurity in her latest memoir, Thin Places. Visit Mary and find out more at http://www.marydemuth.com.
{ 24 comments… read them below or add one }
thank you for this reminder. Sometimes i do this often.
I think that the majority of women deal with this. I know that I do! I have been working to teach our youth and college girls that our identity and our beauty are found in God and who He created us to be rather than how we see ourselves from the outside looking in. I actually just finished a four part series of this on my blog…Life as a Minister’s Wife. Feel free to read it.
Nicole, you’re right. We’re all in the same boat. Oddly, when I lived in France (where the women were beautiful and elegant), I didn’t struggle much with body image. Why? Because I rarely saw an advertisement. Such freedom!
Christiana, I applaud you for being countercultural with your youth group girls.
I too am that contradictory mix of vanity and self-loathing. I long to be perfectly beautiful and get attention, yet I despise all the flaws I think I have based on comparing my real body with the fake ones on screen and glossy prints. I struggle to prioritize and value the unseen.
Hi,
Once again your message hitting my inbox was very timely. What Mary wrote could have been about me, down to me believing my insecurities etc stem from my broken relationship with my dad. Not only that though, I have been really struggling the past couple of weeks with self image/what other people think of me etc so this was a gentle reminder from God just when it was needed! Thank you!
Love the message again! Especially while I’m on a weight loss journey using Weight Watchers, I often have to remind myself how far I’ve come instead of getting hung up on flaws! And really just thank my body for what it can do! Most of realize God loves me no matter how I am!
Thanks for the encouragement! It just keeps me going!
Hi,
I’ve been struggling for almost a year with some chronic health issues that have begun to affect my looks. It’s been depressing and scary and unexpected for me as a woman in my 30s who has never really been sick. I never expected to become ill or to lose my looks until a little later in life, so I’ve had a tough time lately on my journey. Thank you for the encouragement.
Danielle, I understand what you are talking about. I am also using Weight Watchers (for about 14 months now) and I had a particularly rough time when I weighed in today. It’s so hard to seperate who we are from our outward appearances. I wish I could be satisfied to rejoice in the accomplishments that I have made in this area. I pray God will richly bless your efforts to be healthier.
I also can relate to this post. I love my appearance, but sometimes I wonder if some of my self esteem comes from the way I look, and whether I’d like myself less if I looked differently. I thank God for His blessings and making me beautiful inside and out. Thank you Mary for sharing your heart
Oh wow. This is simply beautiful, Mary. Thank you for sharing it.
Hugs today dear sister,
Debra
This message was very timely for me bc I had just discussed this exact issue w/ my roommate the night before. I’ve been struggling w/ not just wanting a relationship but really NEEDING one to feel good about myself. Recognizing that my true worth comes from my relationship w/ God helps me get through some of the rough days/weeks. Thanks for the gentle reminder!
Christiana,
Do you use WW online? If so, we could be friends there! ^_^
I don’t struggle as much with the number on the scale as I used to when I started, or a few years back when I was struggling a lot with my body, but I try to focus on how I feel more than the number on the scale. And sometimes just laying on God what your upset with sets you free. When I feel like I’m in a rut, I pray to God for guidance and strength! I pray too that your efforts to be healthy will be successful!
Danielle,
I don’t use WW online at this time. It’s too bad. It would be fun to be friends on there.
Beautiful words of wisdom spoken. I have actually been thinking a lot about this lately (looks fading with age). I thought maybe I was the only one overly concerned with this. What a great realization though that our lack of a father figure played such a strong role in shaping up our perception of self and need for affirmation. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks, Indy. I’m sorry to hear you lacked a father figure. It’s so hard!
Carol, may you sense God’s nearness this week, and His delight in you.
Randelle, may you feel God’s joy as He beautifies you!
Sarah, I’m so sorry to hear about your illness in your 30s. What a painful thing! But I pray the deeper lessons help you see your worth in Jesus.
Joy, i have the same issue.
Emma, I’m thankful the post was timely for you.
Hey Mary! I really enjoyed your post today and yep, I can totally relate to you on the issues of self-image. Man, that has been my struggle for many years, especially my weight and my over eating. I have developed very bad habits during the years and sometimes it feels like impossible to even try, but I know I have to determine myself and make changes in my life, stick with those changes and receive the help of the Holy Spirit. Thank you Mary! XOXO!
<3
As a husband/father who has dealt with countless hours of counseling in the past, helping my wife to overcome “absent father” issues from her childhood, it has brought the following to light for me personally:
Little girls NEED their Daddy’s. Daddy’s need their wives to push them/encourage them to do one-on-one activities with their little girls.
I’m not perfect, but I TRY to tell my 11-year old daughter REGULARLY how beautiful she looks. I try to make special “date nights” on a regular basis with her. Sometimes I fail, but usually my wife reminds me, and I get back on track…
It’s tough, trying to break a past generational curse of absentee-fatherism… But, I know deep inside that every little TINY thing that I do to encourage my daughter is ultimately building towards her future.
I made my daughter, Windsor, cry on the way to school the other day. She was acting out and being EXTREMELY ugly over not having time to find her Contact Lenses/Glasses, and I’ll be honest, I pretty much laid into her verbally.
I got back home, and was reflecting on it, and God directly spoke to me and said, “Go to her and tell her you love her and that you’re sorry.” When I told my wife this, she said, “GO. NOW. Take her a Card out of the drawer, too..”
So, at 9 A.M., I drove to her school, Contact Lenses and an “I’m Sorry” greeting card in hand.
The school that she goes to is a Magnet school, geared towards Science and Foreign Language, complete with buzzer on the front door, blocking access to just anyone. As a result, they’re VERY orderly, and not real keen on disruptions to the children’s schedules…
I sucked it up, rang the bell, walked into the office and looked at the secretary.
“I got into a fight with my daughter this morning,” I said. “I’m a strong believer that little girls need their daddy’s, and God told me to come here and apologize to her and make it right.”
The woman just sat there for a second with her mouth open. Then she slowly smiled and said, “Honey, I was a daddy’s girl, too. I’ll get her out of class, and you go use that empty room over there, and take ALL DAY making up to her if you need to!”
Two minutes later, there came Windsor around the corner and her face broke out into a huge GRIN when she saw me. We spent several minutes together, telling each other we were sorry for the way we acted.
My point in all this is:
Moms and Wives, if you have daughters, ENCOURAGE your husband to spend time with her, and confirm her verbally, as well…
We’re MEN, we’re not always real bright, and sometimes we NEED that extra little “push” in the right direction.. And it can ultimately make all the difference IN THE WORLD in the future life of your little girl.
Sorry for hijacking the “She Seeks” site, but just felt it was the right thing to do, as I couldn’t NOT share this story!
Dusty
And in followup, to those of you ladies who are single and not yet married:
Your story can become a beautiful one with a happy ending. Were it not for the problems and issues that my wife had experienced all those years ago, I wouldn’t have HALF of the knowledge and insight into the “inner-workings” of all this, were it not for her.
What may seem like a curse with no way out… can ULTIMATELY be turned around into a beautiful thing, helping many others in the years to come!
Me, thanks for your words. By God’s grace, you can make good, healthy choices.
Dusty, I cried reading your story. Thank you so much for sharing it. It’s powerful and oh-so-needed.
Dusty, that’s an amazing story! Your daughter (and your wife!) are very lucky! It really struck a chord with me too as coming from a broken home all I wanted for my kids was to have a good relationship with their dad. Unfortunately my husband died a week before our little girl’s first birthday and on of the biggest things for me is her now being without her dad.
By the grace of God I have met another wonderful man and we are getting married last year and he is going to be a great step-dad. They already adore each other and your post has made me realise how important it is to encourage that relationship, whether he’s her real dad or not. Thank you!
Emma, my stepfather really helped me, though he ended up leaving after divorce. It’s a very important role. I’m thankful you found a great man!
That’s great to hear Mary. I figure a good and godly stepdad has got to be better for my baby than no dad at all!